Thursday, February 21, 2019

Take care against Miscellaneous Ailments

Is this Winter of the Walking Dead, or what?

It seems like everyone is sick. We're hacking away, battling fever, the chills and the hot sweats, taking medication and sleeping long hours, hoping whatever it is runs its course- STAT (from the Latin word ‘statum,’ or ‘immediately,’ according to, which says this is “definitely a significant flu season in Minnesota”).

More than 1,000 Minnesotans were hospitalized with the flu – the dangerous, burning lungs variety – between October and December, according to Most of the cases were reported in the last week of 2017.

I got the chills one evening that week, and everything quickly went to heck: the lungs began rumbling, the chills alternated with the hots, think I had a fever, the plumbing rebelled, and a nice red rash appeared on both legs.

The lungs are still rumbling, and the chills and rash have mostly subsided, though I’m constantly putting on the sweater and taking it off and putting it back on. And taking it off.

Humor always helps. I appreciate the late, great George Carlin, who urged us to assist with donations to the Miscellaneous Ailments Foundation, in his 2002 book, “Napalm and Silly Putty.”

We think we’ve got it bad. This is nothing, Dr. Carlin wrote, compared to:

Blisters, blotches, bunions, bedsores, rope burns, paper cuts, cockeye, blackheads, whiteheads, gag easily, gas, peg leg, paleness, nicks & cuts, brittle nails, wooziness, homesickness, fall down a lot, sick & tired, just don’t feel good, chills & fever, fever & chills, chills without fever, fever without chills, smallpox, medium pox, large pox, X-Large pox, chicken pox, tuna pox, roast beef pox, whooping cough, whooping sneeze, whooping giggle, mumps, bumps, lumps, bad eyes, bad feet, bad blood, bad breath, bad back, bad attitude, poor posture, cowardice, trench mouth, complete paralysis, out of breath, arm hurts, bad judgment, dumb look, out of sorts, bruise easily, the blahs, the hots, the creeps, the willies, the vapors, and the heebie-jeebies.

Not sure if there’s a preventive shot for The Willies or The Heebie-Jeebies, or Morton’s Foot, Dandy Fever or Strawberry Tongue, but you know folks would line up for blocks.

I casually bypassed several chances to get a flu shot. No real good reason.

And now, to save $5, I’m also saddled with Furious Rabies, Cauliflower Ear, Zucchini Nose, Milk Leg, Homan’s Sign, Missing Lungs, Extra Stomach, Bebop Legs, Freddie’s Disease, Crossed Nostrils, and Curvature of the Mind.

We hang in there. The first day of spring – March 20 – is less than eight weeks away.

Of course, spring is prime time for infectious Crow’s Feet, Crow’s Legs, Prenasal Drip, Midnasal Drip, Postnasal Drip, Overbite, Underbite, Trick Knee, Trick Nose, Nine-Mile Fever, and Lack of Hustle.

And don’t get the Good Doctor started on summertime maladies.

Will we ever get better?

It’s not looking good. Not with the recent outbreak of Scrawniness, Pigeon Toes, Water on the Profile, Wool-Sorter’s Disease, and Sudden Total Weight Loss.

Run for your li-i-i-i-i-fe!

See full story in this week’s print edition or subscribe online. Please subscribe here or current subscribers can login here.

Steele County Times & DCI

Steele County Times
411 E. Main St.
P.O. Box 247
Blooming Prairie, MN 55917

Dodge County Independent
121 West Main St.
Kasson, MN 55944

Dodge County Printing
121 West Main St.
Kasson, MN 55944


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