Peeves “R” Us
National Pet Peeve Week is comin’ ‘round again. Second week in October (web-holidays.com).
So many peeves, so little time …
•Slow drivers. Fast drivers. Crazy drivers. Clueless drivers. Texting drivers. Drivers who live in the passing lane. Lazy drivers who take up 1.5 (or more) parking spots. Dang you to H-E Double Hockey Sticks!
•People who run in the street. What are the sidewalks for? (I have become my dear ol’ dad: “Get off my lawn, ya dirty punks!”)
•The many young folks whom no one has taught to be kind and say “Hello” or “Thank you” or “How can I help you?” or “How are you today?” Or anything else with a gracious air. And, sadly, no one taught them to have a sense of humor.
I went to the counter of a local eatery and the teen girl came out and stared at me. Stubborn ol’ me waited for her to say something. Anything. Maybe Hello. She didn’t. I waited. Nothing. She looked at me as if I had two heads. I do, but that’s not the point.
Finally she broke down, with a meek, super-tentative “Uh, can I help you?”
“That’s what I was waiting to hear!”
The girl looked like she might call 9-1-1.
What, she’s supposed to say Hi? Or something? Who is this guy? What’s he want here? Jeeez!
I know, honey. It’s hard to be human when no one made sure you knew how.
•Big crowds. Featuring people who walk right on my tail. Oh, mercy, I hate that.
•Small crowds. Where is everybody? We should have a huge crowd!
•Sundays (as in “Sunday Morning Coming Down,” by Kris Kristoffersen).
The overall feeling: Yuck. Monday’s coming and I have tons of homework. Again.
•Cutting off my favorite songs on the radio, when there seemed to plenty of time to play the whole thing to the end, which is often the best part. Hate that! PLEASE don’t cut that song short!
•And please stop mocking “our” music, Hollywood. Enough is enough. Consider the music of the ‘50s through the ‘80s. Protest tunes and incredible love songs. And then consider today’s hits. Including the No. 1 song on Billboard Magazine’s “Hot 100” for October 7, 2017: “Bodak Yellow” (Money Moves), by somebody named Cardi B.
Some of the tender, opening lyrics, from, honest to gosh, the No. 1 song in the land:
Said little (bleep), you can’t (bleep) with me
If you wanted to
These expensive, these is red bottoms
These is bloody shoes
Hit the store, I can get ‘em both
I don’t wanna choose
And I’m quick, cut a (bleep) hustle
Great musicians everywhere are rolling in their graves. Good god, y’all.
•Somebody coughs or sneezes at just the wrong time: “After hundreds of years of intense study, we now know that the secret of a long life and good health is” –
And the subject never gets addressed again. All we remember is the 85-Kiloton Sneeze.
•Heights. Centipedes. Millipedes. Silverfish. Box Elder bugs. Earwigs. Fruit flies. Killer Minnesota skeeters and black flies.
•Young (and older) folks who, like, talk like this? (we addressed this topic in a previous column, but, like, it’s really worthwhile to write it again? So maybe it, like, stops? Which, like, good luck to that, Johnson? You’re preaching to, like, the choir?)
•People who start virtually every sentence with the word “So.” What is with that?
“So, we need to discuss the North Korean situation. What are your thoughts, Bob?
“So, we really need to ratchet down the hot rhetoric here. It’s just too dangerous right now.”
“So, thanks for that insight, Bob.”
•Folks who refer to other folks as “dude.”
No. No dude. How impersonal can you get? Obviously, like, wayyy!
•Bad grammar. Poor spelling.
Mispronounced words. Danny Gladden says the Twins outfielder was “laxadaisical” on that last play.
The use of dangling modifiers (good source of humor, anyway):
“He made a table for his aunt with wooden legs.”
“Lost: Antique walking stick by an old man with a carved ivory head.”
“Hopping from foot to foot, the crosstown bus came into view.”
(See sinandsyntax.com for more beauties).
Cliches. Oh, man, the clichés. Especially the sports clichés.
“Take it one game at a time.” “We’ve gotta get off the schnide.” “They’re hitting on all cylinders.” “These guys play smash-mouth football.” “It’s always a dogfight with these teams. They just don’t like each other.”
•Radio and TV journalists (sorry, guys!) who are too lazy and/or too uninformed to correctly pronounce names and places:
“The Governor drew a large crowd to Zumbrota (incorrectly pronounced ‘Zumbrotta’) this morning.”
“Many people lack dopamine (incorrectly pronounced ‘dopaMINE’) in their bodies.”
Yep, looks like it’s pronounced ‘dopaMINE,’ so that’s what I’m goin’ with. Nobody tole me otherwise. It’s probably right.”
Who’s in charge here? No one, apparently. Sad, sad sign o’ the times.
- So, like, wow, dude. Some folks’ Pet Peeve lists? They never end?